On The Threshold
Once I was a little girl. I loved God and Jesus and wanted to grow up and be good. It was a simple idea. Nothing was better than that. I grew up, got to have fun, married and have now a family. Life, was, good. I wanted to grow with God and Jesus and do more. I somehow made a promise between myself and the Creator of my life. It was a private challenge that would be answered in a most profound way.
I was sexually assaulted by my priest at 35 years old. God asked me to do more in life. More than what I had ever tried to do before. His assignment was bigger than what I thought that I could handle. My story unfolds even now. But it WILL have a happy ending even though I am not there yet. I know that in my heart.
This is what I want to tell you—
The moral of my story is not how bad people are or how wrong the system is... it's about FAITH and the horrific challenge that the Universe has placed within you. This is the moment in life where God and you go for a long, long walk. It will be just you and your Creator. It is one of the hardest walks that you may experience in your life. Most, sadly, won't make it. The sexual trauma is hard to work on. The weight of shame and guilt hang around your neck until your just grow tired and want to walk away from the church, from God, from everyone. You vomit and curse the very existence of life. The church, the icons, the symbols, Christ and everything holy becomes so evil. Some people who have been abused even try, and succeed, at killing themselves.
I know. I have been there.
I want to tell you that for every cruel and callous person in your life, there are one hundred more who are there to help you. For every person who won't comfort you because you have "caused scandal", there are many more who will go the extra mile to pick you up and tell you how much you are loved. For every Destroyer, there are many more who are Healers and Teachers.
This next paragraph is the hard cold truth about the journey towards health and sanity:
You must find the healers and teachers. There is no map. There are no guidelines. This betrayal leads you to find recovery IS. The isolation and despair leads you to the hard work. It hurts. It hurts more than what I have words to describe. It is where your soul is beaten and thrown aside. You become the leper. You become the outcast, the marginalized, the disgraced. Don't stop here. Don't believe this. Get up and walk on.
All that I can say is keep moving. Move in a circle or go off track but keep walking. If you grow tired, and you will, stand your ground. Rest. Walk again when you are ready; one tiny step at a time.
There WILL be a day of great healing. It WILL come. You won't know when or where but it will come. At least, that is what I hope for... it is called FAITH. It may not make sense, you won't have all the answers, and this trauma will leave a scar across your soul like no other. But, it is FAITH that will take you to the end of your journey. Not the faith found in books or rituals, not in the church pews, but God given human faith—the sweet great mystery of life itself. Should you need to let go of God's hand, don't worry. God is still there. That is the promise. You won't understand and that is the only answer that makes sense. It really is between you and God.
I wish you well on your path to recovery. I am glad that our roads have crossed. Take care of yourself.
